Dear God,
Just a quickie- I don’t like to ask really as I know you’re busy and everything, but I was just wondering if you could turn the thermostat down. Please. Just slightly. If you don’t mind.
It’s playing havoc with the babies sleeping you see.
I know the way that things are usually meant to work, what with the concept of free will and all you aren’t meant to be stepping in every two minutes to bail us out like some sort of invisible (and clearly more powerful) James Caan, so, for precisely this reason, I haven’t asked for help with the really really big stuff but, this would just be a very small, very helpful thing.
I initially approached Carol Kirkwood but unfortunately, despite her very smiley, sunny disposition, it turns out she simply reports the weather, not creates it. I thought she may have had a bigger role as Bill (Billy) Turnbull regularly asks

What have you got for us Carol.

She hasn’t got anything for us per se Bill, she is merely imparting to us some of her meteorological knowledge (with a very lovely voice and smile and, from some lovely locations!)
I have never really been much of a one for the sun. I have the skin tone of the deceased and when it is sunny I never, never ever, tan. I often go pink, I occasionally go red and I always, always go patchy, get strap marks and sweat. Minging.
Another issue with this weather is people without children seem to presume that parents who are on maternity leave or off because of the school holidays or whatever are swanning about in maxi dresses sipping an iced latte watching Wimbledon followed by The Ashes or A N Other sporting fixture and leafing through the pages of OK or HELLO sitting on a sun lounger whilst our children happily splash away in a lovely paddling pool (which both blew itself up and filled itself).
In reality people we are wondering how the fuck to keep our little ones from hourly melt downs because they are so hot they don’t know what to do with themselves when all the toddler groups have closed for the summer (see you in September- yep, if I haven’t been institutionalised by then). 😉
The lovely paddling pool is awash with bits of grass and various bugs topped off with a sheen of sun cream. And, at some point in the day an over excited child will jump in, slip and then totally immerse themselves in chilly water which will result in utter hysteria (FYI- totally don’t blame them on this one).
That’s it really Big Man, I’d really appreciate it if you could fix this for me, and every other parent out there.
PS- I’ve come to you first but might approach Allah and Buddha and some of the other biggies if you don’t mind just to cover all the bases.
PPS- If you won’t do it for the masses, do it for Kate. She is Royal, and pregnant and must be pretty uncomfortable by now.
Many Thanks in Advance,
Note for human readers- perhaps you could add your comments to this so that God is aware that its not just me making a big deal of things…

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